Becoming a 'Better' Version of Myself

Tuesday, 23 September 2014

Do you ever feel well and truly sick of yourself? I've been feeling like that a lot lately. There has been a lot of stuff going on with my life that has been upsetting, stressful, amazing and frustrating all at the same time. It's been mostly a time of lows, with a few highs, but it has definitely been a whirlwind and not one I've really enjoyed.

Right now, I'm far from happy with myself. There are so many things I want to change but I have very little motivation to do anything about it. When I get sad, all I feel like doing is curling up in a ball and not leaving for a few days. That, or eat some chocolate. Which, if I'm honest, is where half of the problem lies.

Over the past couple of years I have put on a lot of weight. Whilst up until very recently I didn't see myself as overweight, I've come to realise that enough is enough and I'm getting to the point where I'm thinking of myself as fat. I'm sure I'm not what some people think of as fat, and I'm sure to some people I'm the size of a whale, but what matters most is how I feel about myself, and right now, I'm not happy.

I've struggled with eating, weight and self-esteem for well over a decade, and it's something I have always carried with me, ever since first encountering it all those years ago. I know I'm not the only person to ever feel uncomfortable about how I look, but to say my journey in life (weight-wise) has been a roller coaster thus far would be an understatement. I have been as small as a size 4 and as big as a size 18. I've never eaten healthily. I am a person of extremes and unfortunately this plays a big part when it comes to food. I either eat, and eat, and eat, or I eat very, very little.

Lately it's been the former, which has resulted in me gaining weight and getting up to an uncomfortable (for me) size 14. I haven't been this big in years, and the idea of it scares me, but not nearly as much as it would have done all those years ago (which scares me even more). I don't feel like 'me' right now, I don't look like me, and I feel like because of this I am missing out on living my life the way I want to. I don't want to worry about my stomach hanging out in the bodycon dress I adore, I don't want to have to say no to those shorts because my thighs are too big. I don't want to go to an event and feel completely out of place surrounded by healthy-looking, beautiful girls. I don't want to say 'no' to my boyfriend taking a photo of us together because I'm worried about how I look. I don't want to see my friends after months of not seeing them and constantly have a voice in my head telling me they're all looking at me and thinking 'Woah, she's put on weight'. I don't want to feel sad about how I look. Lately, that's exactly what I've been doing.

So I've decided it's time for a change. And I'm not taking this lightly, but I'm also not expecting it to be a quick and easy process, or a drastic one at first. I have had these 'time for a change' moments so many times before now and they've never worked out. What makes it different this time is that I'm reaching out to you guys to make sure I can actually do this. I want to be able to look back at my journey and feel proud that I put my mind to something and I really achieved it. I want the pressure of all my readers relying on me to prove myself to spur me on. I know you guys won't think little of me if I fail, but I want that added pressure nonetheless. I'm not doing this because I feel I need to look a certain way, I'm doing it to make myself happy. Happiness is the most important thing, I think, in life, not what you look like. But to me those two things work in sync with one another and so making myself the best 'me' I can be is vital in improving my happiness. I hope you guys have faith in me (I'm not sure I have faith in myself just yet...)