Monday, 1 June 2015

Me and Food


I love food. I've always loved food. When I was little I distinctly remember trips to McDonalds, eating Milky Bar buttons and Teddy Bear crisp lunchtimes. Food is honestly the highlight of my day, as sad as that sounds. I look forward to each mealtime and if I'm going out for dinner, I look up the menu online beforehand so I can suss out all of the options and decide which I want.

If I could order dessert with every meal, I would. If it wasn't frowned upon to have a takeaway every night (or bad for my waistline and bank balance) I probably would too. I just love food, and I think my obsession with it has been with me my entire life. 

But there's enjoying a good meal and taking things to the extreme - something I am somewhat guilty of. I'm not going to get into details, but during my teenage years the obsession with food took me down a very dark road of starving myself, which made me very ill.

Luckily, I got over it (somehow) but I stumbled into another extreme instead - bingeing. I would go from shop to shop buying chocolate, biscuits, all the unhealthy things... only to go back to my room and eat them all. I did this for a fair few months until one day I looked in the mirror and realised I didn't look like me anymore, and thankfully I managed to get back to being healthy (and happy) pretty quickly. 

But, unfortunately, bingeing has stuck with me in times of stress and depression. Particularly over the past few months, since moving into a house on my own, my bingeing got really out of hand. I would order a Pizza Hut takeaway suitable for a small family - and eat it all, all to myself. I would buy a pint of Ben & Jerry's and sit and eat it all whilst watching Netflix, only to go to the cupboard in the hope of finding more chocolate afterwards. I would eat a chocolate bar whilst making my tea, because it was there and I felt like it would fill the void for a second. 

Sometimes I would binge because something bad had happened, or I felt like I'd done something wrong, and sometimes the inspiration to do it would just hit me and I wouldn't be able to think about anything else until that food was eaten - like a compulsion. 

When it started affecting my health you would have thought I'd stop, right? Wrong. Even though I was getting shakes from all the sugar, putting on weight ridiculously quickly and my fitness was at an all-time low, I still couldn't get myself out of the cycle of bingeing and feeling terrible about it. Only a couple of weeks ago it hit me that I really can't go on like this. 

I'm not happy with my weight, so I was bingeing to make myself feel better about it, and therefore getting myself into even more of a mess. I hate going out at the minute because I feel like I'm four times my normal size and although I've always had self-esteem issues, seeing my weight pile up has made them even more prominent. I've stopped wearing 80% of my wardrobe because I feel like I can't get away with wearing certain clothes anymore, and that makes me really sad.

I'm not sure exactly when it hit me but I was watching back some of my old YouTube videos, (fellow YouTubers, don't say you don't do it) and I noticed how much healthier I looked. I'd been planning on watching some of my subscriptions whilst eating the chocolate bar I'd bought earlier that day, when suddenly I realised I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to feel crap about myself, I don't want to affect my health, I don't want to feel fat and ugly and utterly self-conscious in everything I wear. I want to be fit, and healthy, and happy. And eating my body weight in ice cream isn't going to do that. So I got up, put the chocolate bar in the bin, and did some squats instead.

I'm not entirely sure why I'm telling you this - maybe some of you will be able to relate, or maybe it'll open some peoples' eyes to the fact that food can literally take over your life. I'm determined to get myself healthier and happier, and I think maybe blogging about it every now and again might help me achieve that. I'm planning on doing more regular fitness and diet posts, because honestly - if I can lose weight, anyone can. I have quite a way to go to get to my goal weight but I'm actually really excited about starting this journey and sharing it with you guys. Wish me luck? 
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