Monday, 1 June 2015

Me and Food


I love food. I've always loved food. When I was little I distinctly remember trips to McDonalds, eating Milky Bar buttons and Teddy Bear crisp lunchtimes. Food is honestly the highlight of my day, as sad as that sounds. I look forward to each mealtime and if I'm going out for dinner, I look up the menu online beforehand so I can suss out all of the options and decide which I want.

If I could order dessert with every meal, I would. If it wasn't frowned upon to have a takeaway every night (or bad for my waistline and bank balance) I probably would too. I just love food, and I think my obsession with it has been with me my entire life. 

But there's enjoying a good meal and taking things to the extreme - something I am somewhat guilty of. I'm not going to get into details, but during my teenage years the obsession with food took me down a very dark road of starving myself, which made me very ill.

Luckily, I got over it (somehow) but I stumbled into another extreme instead - bingeing. I would go from shop to shop buying chocolate, biscuits, all the unhealthy things... only to go back to my room and eat them all. I did this for a fair few months until one day I looked in the mirror and realised I didn't look like me anymore, and thankfully I managed to get back to being healthy (and happy) pretty quickly. 

But, unfortunately, bingeing has stuck with me in times of stress and depression. Particularly over the past few months, since moving into a house on my own, my bingeing got really out of hand. I would order a Pizza Hut takeaway suitable for a small family - and eat it all, all to myself. I would buy a pint of Ben & Jerry's and sit and eat it all whilst watching Netflix, only to go to the cupboard in the hope of finding more chocolate afterwards. I would eat a chocolate bar whilst making my tea, because it was there and I felt like it would fill the void for a second. 

Sometimes I would binge because something bad had happened, or I felt like I'd done something wrong, and sometimes the inspiration to do it would just hit me and I wouldn't be able to think about anything else until that food was eaten - like a compulsion. 

When it started affecting my health you would have thought I'd stop, right? Wrong. Even though I was getting shakes from all the sugar, putting on weight ridiculously quickly and my fitness was at an all-time low, I still couldn't get myself out of the cycle of bingeing and feeling terrible about it. Only a couple of weeks ago it hit me that I really can't go on like this. 

I'm not happy with my weight, so I was bingeing to make myself feel better about it, and therefore getting myself into even more of a mess. I hate going out at the minute because I feel like I'm four times my normal size and although I've always had self-esteem issues, seeing my weight pile up has made them even more prominent. I've stopped wearing 80% of my wardrobe because I feel like I can't get away with wearing certain clothes anymore, and that makes me really sad.

I'm not sure exactly when it hit me but I was watching back some of my old YouTube videos, (fellow YouTubers, don't say you don't do it) and I noticed how much healthier I looked. I'd been planning on watching some of my subscriptions whilst eating the chocolate bar I'd bought earlier that day, when suddenly I realised I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to feel crap about myself, I don't want to affect my health, I don't want to feel fat and ugly and utterly self-conscious in everything I wear. I want to be fit, and healthy, and happy. And eating my body weight in ice cream isn't going to do that. So I got up, put the chocolate bar in the bin, and did some squats instead.

I'm not entirely sure why I'm telling you this - maybe some of you will be able to relate, or maybe it'll open some peoples' eyes to the fact that food can literally take over your life. I'm determined to get myself healthier and happier, and I think maybe blogging about it every now and again might help me achieve that. I'm planning on doing more regular fitness and diet posts, because honestly - if I can lose weight, anyone can. I have quite a way to go to get to my goal weight but I'm actually really excited about starting this journey and sharing it with you guys. Wish me luck? 
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10 comments

  1. Hi Hannah, I can totally relate to this, I've had a binge eating disorder for just over a year now. Last weekend I had my summer ball at uni and pictures were uploaded onto facebook of me which actually made me cry and feel sick at the sight of myself. I know I need to eat healthier and exercise more but when I've done this before it's led to me starving myself, but hopefully it'll be better this time round. I think it's so brave of you to share your story and it's really helped me so thank you and good luck xx

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  2. I can empathise with you. I have a really unhealthy relationship with food, I either go on fad diets or binge eat, more the latter especially when I am feeling down but I too am determined to change this. All the best Hannah - I will be following your journey, we can do it!

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  3. I've been there! I know how you feel. My husband and I quit sugar about 4-5 months ago. I can honestly tell you that I have never felt better. My skin is better, my sleep is better, I think more clearly, I'm less moody! Weight loss is literally just one of the things that is better. I highly recommend you read Sweet Poison by David Gillespie and the books by Sarah Wilson or her website iquitsugar.com.

    It sounds crazy but sugar is an insanely addictive substance that turns straight into fat, is unrecognisable as food to the body AND interrupts your hormones that tell you when you're full so that you eat more than you should too. If you really want to get healthy, I found starting there really helped. :)

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  4. I can relate. So many of us feel this way. I would binge eat daily, feel guilty and then carry on. You have to have that realisation to make a change. I hope you find a way to get round this. It’s a vicious cycle. I wish you the best of luck and hope you can stay positive.

    www.britishbeautyaddict.com

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  5. Thank you so much for sharing this lovely, I know it must have been difficult. I can 100% relate with everything you said (minus watching back old YT vids but I just looked at pictures instead). Since going to uni I binge constantly, and although I know I'll hate myself afterwards I can't stop. I will order so much crappy food from takeaways and my huge downfall is doritos - I mean I'll eat a whole big share bag in less than 30 mins and then I feel disgusting. I too am trying to be more healthy now, I'm not necessarily setting myself a goal of being a certain weight as I know this would be difficult for me and I'd struggle more but I'm just trying to be more healthy.

    Good luck to you lovely, I hope we both get to being happy with our bodies.

    Emily // Beauty and Lifestyle Blog

    xx

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  6. i know exactly how you feel, I think I eat a lot just for the sake of it. For example I've eaten a shite load of bourbans today - like a million of them and I could eat ten more. It's hard. I need to find the balance xxx

    www.squidgymoments.ie xx

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  7. I can relate how you feel. I was diagnosed last year with high cholesterol and had to change my diet quickly. It is really difficult to stick to a diet long term and in times of stress I found it really difficult. At the moment having to watch everything I eat is making me feel low. Joan at www.aviewtothefells.com

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  8. I soo know exactly how you feel but you probably know that you have to tackle this very carefully if you're prone to an eating disorder on the other end of the scale. Can I suggest something like Slimming World to encourage you to eat properly but also to still really enjoy your food, still feel full and just generally enjoy eating as a whole. I've lost 6 stone on it and whilst i'm not suggesting that you need to lose anywhere near that much it can honestly be a brilliant healthy eating plan even if you only want to lose a few pounds.

    Anyway, if you want to ask anything I'm @girl_upnorth on twitter, good luck in your little quest, however you choose to do it xxx

    Girl Up North | UK Lifestyle Blog

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  9. I totally admire you for being so honest about this and bringing it up as an issue people face. I can definitely sympathize with what you're going through. I really wish you all the best with getting your eating habits in a healthy place again. You can definitely do it!

    Sending love and thoughts your way.

    xx

    http://thestylecrusader.com

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  10. I hope you get on track with it, I think everyone has a different relationship with food and nobody is perfect. It's hard to get the right balance and it's either harder to break the habits that have been comforting you. I wish you all the luck x

    Fi | http://fislittleblog.com

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